If someone followed you around all day and spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you enjoy their company?
Don’t answer too quickly. Just let that sit for a moment.
If every thought you’ve had about yourself today — your body, your mistakes, your energy, your worth — were said out loud by another person, would it sound loving? Encouraging? Safe? For most of us, honestly, no.
That’s not because we’re bad people. Many of us learned to motivate ourselves through criticism, believing it would help us do better. Often it just creates more pressure, more shame, and more stress.
The Glass on the Kitchen Floor
Here’s a simple example. You drop a glass in the kitchen. The event itself lasts five seconds — but the self-talk that follows can last five minutes, or the whole day. What’s wrong with you. Why weren’t you watching. You always do this.
Now imagine someone you love dropped the same glass. You’d probably say, it’s okay, accidents happen, are you alright?
The difference isn’t the event. It’s the voice.
Whose Voice Is This?
Many of the harshest things we say to ourselves were never really ours to begin with. As children, we absorb language and beliefs from parents, teachers, culture, and experience — about what’s acceptable, lovable, worthy. Over time, those borrowed voices can feel like our own truth.
So when a critical thought shows up, it’s worth asking: whose voice is this? Is it really mine, or am I replaying someone else’s expectation? The voice in your head isn’t always the truth — sometimes it’s just a thought repeated so often it started to feel true.
Self-Love Is Not the Same as Self-Indulgence
Self-love is often misunderstood as vanity or letting yourself off the hook. It isn’t. It’s caring for yourself as someone worthy of care — speaking kindly to yourself, resting when you need to, honouring your own boundaries.
Self-compassion is what we practise specifically when things are hard. Researcher Kristin Neff describes it as self-kindness, remembering that struggle is part of being human, and simply noticing what’s happening without being swept up in it. It might sound like: this is hard right now. I’m not the only one who struggles. What do I need in this moment?
Why This Actually Matters, Physiologically
This isn’t just a nice idea — there’s real substance behind it. Self-compassion is consistently linked with emotional wellbeing and resilience; it’s not about excusing yourself, it’s about responding to difficulty with kindness instead of shame, which keeps you open enough to learn and grow rather than shutting down.
And repetition genuinely matters. The nervous system adapts to what we repeat — a principle often called neuroplasticity. Repeated self-criticism strengthens that pattern. Repeated self-support strengthens a different one.
Try This
Notice one thought you catch repeating about yourself. Ask: would I say this to someone I love? If not, what would you say instead? Not empty positivity — just something a little truer, and a little kinder.
As Louise Hay put it: “You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
This is one of the themes we explore together, more deeply, in Wellbeing Club — join the next live session at leannehughesphysio.com.
Want our latest posts delivered straight to your inbox? Subscribe for free below.